Studying Through Grief

I wanted to write about something honest; something I am dealing with right now.

I very recently and suddenly lost a good friend I grew up with, have known for many years and cared about a lot. The loss is still “fresh” and I am still emotional about it.

Grieving the loss of a family member, friend or pet is something difficult and stressful in and of itself. Adding the pressures of work, school, family or other commitments is bad enough without the further stress of studying for the CPA Exam.

We can go back to work or school and take care of family because we know we have to. We can do these things robotically. But when it comes to something like studying, the thought of opening those books brings about a feeling of disgust in us and we think “How can I study now?” Studying seems so trivial. Once we convince ourselves that it’s fine to study because it’s something we have to do, we end up staring at the page. Our brains can’t take in the new material because we have a million thoughts swimming around in our heads. It’s hard to concentrate. How can we get back to focusing on studying?

I thought maybe if I can understand how I feel, I can redirect myself to studying. An online search produced a list of the 7 stages of grief which are:

1. Shock or disbelief

2. Denial

3. Bargaining

4. Guilt

5. Anger

6. Depression

7. Acceptance or hope

Truthfully, I can’t say I am at any one stage right now, but rather a combo of disbelief, guilt, anger and hope. I can’t accept what happened yet, but the hope stage is something that can help me get there. There is a hope to do something nice in memory of my friend. He wouldn’t want us to feel the other stages, just the hope part.

My friend once wrote that he was so happy for me when my husband and I bought our first house because he loved seeing people he cares about being successful in life. I remember those words and feel that describes his character. Knowing that, I feel like he is my inspiration to finally succeed in passing the CPA Exam. I will use this as my motivation.